paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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