I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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