I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
