Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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