Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
