the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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