I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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