That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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