It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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