No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
