Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
