Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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