I just threw up on my dentist
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
