we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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