I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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