he was CRYING into my vagina
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
