Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Floor bacon is actually really good
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
