Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
