ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
