Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
