Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
