my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
