new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
