Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
