it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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