that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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