i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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