She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
