we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
