I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i out mim tonsoeep
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
