just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
