you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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