the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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