Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
