1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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