So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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