Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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