My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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