Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
