The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
