Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
