if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
