Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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