Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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