Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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