Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize