omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
