the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
