I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My dick has a subreddit
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
