New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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