hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Randomize
