I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
