You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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