Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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