worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
